Putting It Out There

I'm going to get a bit personal on you here and write about something I've been thinking about for a while.  I wasn't sure I would blog about it, but posting this stuff on the internets (or internest, as I first typed it) will probably help me stay true to my goal.

This morning I saw my doctor.  My reason for seeing her doesn't matter, but her comment to me does: "You have gained weight." 

The inner me said "No shit, Sherlock." 

The outer me stepped on her scale. 

I have gained fifteen kilograms in as many months. 

It's pretty scary, people. 

The reasons for my weight gain are numerous and varied.  I mean, there's a whole mish-mash of stuff that has contributed to it.  I'm not here to talk about why I gained the weight, nor how to lose it.  I just want to document this. 

For the past 25 years (read: most of my life), I've had a pretty bad "body image."  I have felt fat, or felt I looked fat, even when I wasn't "fat".  Although this did not lead to eating disorders in my case, it has left its mark on my psyche.  Again, never mind the whys or wherefores of all that. 

However, in the past year, I have shifted from "feeling overweight" to "being overweight." 

I don't have a scale.  A scale brings it home.  Allan has a scale, and I weighed myself at his house last month.  The number I saw shocked me.  I know it's not about what you weigh, but rather how you feel.  Well, I knew I had gained weight, but that number hit me hard. 

Hearing the doctor tell me I had gained 15 kilos since September of last year hit me hard too. 

I'm not going to stress too much about it during the holidays.  But I have a goal for 2006.  It's not a New Year's Resolution.  Fuck that.  It's a goal. 

I want to lose 20 kilograms.  That's 44 pounds.  When I weighed myself at Allan's house, I told him "I have to lose at least forty pounds." 

Those are just numbers.  The importance lies in how I feel.  Right now I don't feel good about myself.  The numbers are just a guide.

I will keep you posted on my progress. 

Comments

[ferd]

I know just what you are feeling. In April of this year I weighed 30 pounds more than I do now. My initial goal was to lose 35 pounds. My feeling now is that I need to lose 10 more pounds. That would total 40 pounds. Strange coincidence. You go girl.

[ColdBear]

Dont "lose" them.
Through them away ...

[ColdBear]

I meant throw them away

[Jay]

Stop chowin on them steak boogers dangit! lol
Seriously,hope all is well.

[bhd]

Well, ya got yerself a nice coach in the weight loss department, I'd say. Good luck! (We too, will be continuing our new routine.)

[Jo Ann]

You and I must have been sisters in another lifetime. That sounds exactly like my story. When you get to the U.S. maybe you, Allan and I can work on our goals together. Love ya.

[Margaret]

I still remember my shock at one annual doctor appointment when he said-you've gained 5 pounds since the last appointment. Next year, if it's another 5 then another 7, etc... it'll be a lot harder to get off. I was terribly offended at the time because I've never been overweight--however, I am now thinking that he did me a favor by making a bit of an issue about that avoirdupoids creeping on. However, I do usually gain about 5 pounds during the winter; I can't help it!

[cmhl]

it's hard, isn't it??

I have struggled a lifetime w/ my weight, never happy. gained and lost vast amounts.. gained 80 pounds when pregnant w/ my son. lost 10 in the first 3 months. eeeek..

it is so hard. I wonder if I will ever be satisfied..

[Chris]

Honestly I believe you're already halfway to success since you realize its not about numbers but how you feel. Good luck. Although I have no doubt you can do it.

[owld_skipper]

What is it about the female metabolism that sees it slow down in the mid-30s. It's just not fair I tell ya. Happens to us y-chromosome challenged types as well, but seemingly not to the same extent. Just talked to a realtive and she is shocked that her scales now read 2** lbs and her knees are starting to give out. Me? I struggle with it all the time - got a doctor urging me to lose weight to fight blood pressure. And now it's Christmas and the treats, oh the Christmas treats.....

[LittleMike]

I'm with you girl. My goal was 40, it is down to 30. If I can do it, so can you.

-- LittleMike

[bothenook]

i hate to be a contrarian here smiley, but i've seen recent pix of you taken by our friendly dentist. you look healthy. you fit your body. (i don't know how to explain that comment, but it's true). i wouldn't obsess. if you cut back a bit and lose weight, fine. but you are not unhealthy looking. now, if we had a few bikini shots, we might have a little better evidence to assess.

merry christmas kiddo.

[Michelle]

Wow.

I saw my doctor on Tuesday and the numbers are almost exactly the same, as are the thoughts that go with them. And I wasn't where I wanted to be even before this recent gain. *sigh*

Here's to 2006 - May it be all that you wish and more.

~M~

[Carrie]

Awwww Ali don't beat yourself up! {hug}

Doctors harp on us about weight because it's their job. You will do it when you can :)

Here's a funny story. My whole life I was very thin. Eventually, I was too thin - too much work, not enough sleep or eating. All I ever heard was "you need to gain weight" from my doctor and everyone. I thought I looked fine. Cut to developing an illness and disability arriving, and I am now overweight. For the first time in my life. I am gleeful about it! LOL My doctor though is now saying "you need to lose weight". I told him to make up his mind. I reminded him he was preaching at me for YEARS to GAIN weight. Now I have, he's griping at me to lose it. He shut up pretty quick ;)

It's not the healthiest way to be for some but you know about it and you WILL focus on that when you can. You've had a lot of other concerns the past months so don't be hard on yourself :)

Now go eat some fudge and enjoy the holidays!!! ;)

[Alain]

Course à pied , course à pied , course à pied ... enfin c'est mon avis.
Bisous

[Judie]

I think if you're happy and healthy then that's what matters. If you aren't happy, then lose weight. Here in France, I can't really buy clothes in adult stores, my doctor thinks I'm anorexic and, as I've gained 2 kilos in the last 2 months, I feel heavy.... I've learned not to care what anyone thinks but me.

By the way, to whom ever posted about gaining weight in your mid thirties, wait until your mid forties....

[newwavegurly]

As someone who has battled being overweight her whole life (yes, even as a child), I have to say this... if you're eating healthy, if you're getting some exercise, if you FEEL good, that's what matters most. My weight has shifted up and down throughout various portions of my life, and despite that I didn't "yo yo" diet, the ups and downs in my weight eventually caused health problems. It made me realize that as long as I ate relatively healthy, and didn't see any other health problems creeping into my life, then I was okay with that. Hell, I KNOW that my health is a lot better than a lot of people I know that are FAR skinnier than I am. Especially since I quit smoking 2 months ago.

Sure, there are times that I'd like to lose weight, and I've hit that point now. I just plan on adding some exercise to my routine to help with that.

In the end, you do what you're ready to do when you're ready to do it.

[Ann]

Hi, I have been enjoying your blog for a while now, although I am unable to read it everyday. Basically I have a question not related to any of your recent entries. It seems that we are in similar situations, both americans living in France with child/ren. I don't know enough of your background to know what happened, but I will tell you about mine so you get the gist.

I married a Frenchman in California. Our son was born in California. We moved to France 2 years ago when my son was 3-months-old. Although my husband would disagree, I was under the impression that if it didn't work out here we would try hard to return to the US. I really despise this country, be it maladjustment, motherhood, unemployment, who knows, but I am leaving and need to get a divorce.

So here is the question: did you get a divorce in France? Did the issue of taking your children back to the states ever come up? Do you know how the French courts tend to sway in these situations? I am so worried that my husband is going to make me return to the states without my child because of a French court order. I haven't been able to find a job - not uncommon in this country from what I gather - since we've been here. He is threatening that the judge will decide in his favor because he is the one with the income. I find it hard to believe but I have no idea how the French system works.

Thanks for your advice in advance. And keep blogging...

Anntoinette

p.s. please don't post my email address if you can help it??

[anica]

Hi

I have been skinny during my childhood but have been increasingly gaining weight eversince and it isn't the most positive feeling in the world. I also hate my body image. I too have a goal to lose 75lbs in the next six months, My trouble is that I eat alone and I get depressed and bored so I eat more than I should. This is why I eat out almost everyday. I dislike exercising although I am doing that a little bit more and plan to join a gym next month as a part of acheiving my goal.

I think you are very beautiful and no matter how much you weigh; it is the inner glow that shines through you that is important. Stay positive, keep your mind healthy and give your big big heart some credit for your beauty. Something I learned from a e-mag that I read: Eating right and exercising is a permanent goal; therefore it is a lifestyle change and it is for life.

[mags]

Ali,

I've a similar problem - and I write it off to getting older, having quit smoking, knee surgery, and on and on and on. I could make excuses for it all day. The simple fact is that I don't make time each day to exercise, and I eat what I want when I want it. I could get away with that at 20, even 25, but not at 35.

I now have a similar goal. I would like to lose 35 lbs. I try to do thirty minutes of activity (hopefully some good cardio) each day, and cut my portions at each meal. I've lost 10 lbs. in the past two months, and haven't gone back up at any point, so I'm feeling good about my progress.

I'm rooting for you, too.

~mags

[laprincessa]

Hey, I'm with bothenook - must have bikini shots just to be sure.

Yeah, bikini shots.

(Um, to clarify - either - photos of you in a bikini OR tequila in your bellybutton will do).

[edieraye]

Ahh sugar, now there is just more of you to love! But seriously, you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself. My one piece of practical advice is add a little yoga into the mix. It'll improve your posture which makes you look and feel better right away which really helps in the motivation department. You are beautiful!

[melanie]

Oh Ali! Yea, don't I know what you are talking about. Since you met me i have lost an additional 20lbs. (only gained back about 5 during my move to my amazement) And plan to lose about the same amount as you more by March or April.

My solution? Weight Watchers. But you have to choose your own path. I just love food so much, that is one of my issues.

Another thing that kept me going, Keep up the self respect. Know that by making the right choices when eating, you are making the choices that you deserve. Even when down and depressed. That was my hardest step. Remembering i deserve to succeed.

Here's to us in the New Year. Hope to see you then!

:hug: