Tell Me This

I tried to put my thoughts into words for Allan, but it didn't come out right. He thought I was nuts. And maybe I am.

Here is what happened: we were having dinner in a busy restaurant, and while I ate my grilled salmon, I watched people coming in. The place was packed. There were lots of women my age or younger, and most of them had a casual-chic look. Their hair was styled, they had makeup on. They looked nice.

I was wearing black yoga pants (the ones without the hole), a moss-green sweatshirt, and tennis shoes. My hair was twisted into a chignon. I had no makeup on my face. (Yo, Alison. You NEVER wear makeup. - Ed.) It must be said that this dinner at Atomic Café was a whim kind of thing while we were already out. Otherwise I might have worn my pink suede shoes and a different top. Heh.

But I noticed a couple of things happening in my brain. First, I was looking at these women and imagining some of them to be snotty bitches. WHERE did that come from? That instant judgment -- it must be left over from high school or something. Really. And it's ridiculous, you know, because I have met enough people from enough walks of life to understand that you can't judge a book by its cover.

Second, and this is what I mentioned to Allan, I felt a bit intimidated when I looked at some of the women. Was it their put-togetherness: the blow-dried hair and snappy purses? I don't know. As I was thinking this, I realized how dumb it was to feel belittled by the mere appearance of a person. I mean, really. I'm a good-looking woman. There is absolutely NO reason for me to feel insecure, yet I do. A lot.

A few years ago I might have spent a lot of time embracing the negative energy in this (gosh, I sound all New Age-y now!).  Tonight I am just curious as to why I have these thoughts: judgment (read: competition) and insecurity.

I suppose that's a step forward.

Comments

[PhC]

I'm always fascinated by women like this because I am SO not like this. I can't get my hair to do anything but lie down flat, and even that is a challange. Make-up application alludes me- I end up looking like a clown. How do some women know how to DO it?

[cmhl]

girl, welcome to the south. the deeper south you go, the bigger the hair, the heavier hte makeup, and the phonier the smiles. this is only my OPINION, mind you..

keep in mind I went to college in teh deep south in the late 80's--- I felt like a total frump when I saw all (ok, 90%) of my peers leaving the dorm at o dark thirty fully made up, with perfect vanna white hair. it was bizarre.

you rock on with your yoga pants...

[kklink]

hah, funny you mention that insecurity thing. I was at a conference today with about 400 people, many of them women, and I felt exactly the same way. Same thought crossed my mind, "I wonder what that comes from?" Awareness is good, I guess. Can't do anything about it until you can see it for what it is, ya know?

[newwavegurly]

Do you think that part of this has to do with you still getting used to your new surroundings? Getting more of a feel for the community around you? I know that when I move somewhere new, it often takes me a while to realize what the "dressing etiquette" is for the various places I go. Of course, I typically don't heed such things, as I dress the way I want to (and apply/don't apply cosmetics) according to the means that I see fit, but there's still an adjustment period until I know what I can "get away" with, and what I can't.

[Monty]

You are arguing a matter of taste, make up versus natural. Try being just plain butt ugly and not being able to do anything about it because it's genetic. The world really changes then. This is NOT a problem you will ever have to deal with Ali, never, never, never. Feeling a tad more secure? Another intersting experiment is wearing a set of blinders over your eyes for 24 hours and going about your day, blind. I'm not trying to trash your feelings, I'm tryin g to augment them. When there are no photgraphs, let there be music. And chocolate!

[bhd]

I've never been able to pull off the "finished" look. Ever. Even when I was in my fighting weight and in my youth. Never.

It simply is not me. Doesn't mean I haven't felt intimidated by (or witnessed the requisite bias toward) the gals that can do it.

What I'm noticing now is how our entire culture is about youth, which I no longer possess. It's interesting to see this, and not entirely pleasant, but I do not wish to fight my own aging.

Aalln might never get this, having not been subject to the "appearance" pressure that young American women, in this young American advertising culture, have had to endure.

Having said that, I do believe there are some regional culture issues here. I once did a "disaster recovery" test with a computer company I worked for. It was a 48-hour test. Which is to say, I had to work for 48 hours. I went in in my jammies, since I might have had some moments to sleep somewhere during the event. But I was in Dallas. The local female employees who came in, in the middle of the night, were in full-battle makeup and outfittery (high heels and the requisite hosiery).

I was not just intimidated. I was flabbergasted.

[Neil]

Even though Allan said you were "nuts," he probably meant to say that these women have nothing on you. But I'm sure he can be insecure about things, too. We all are, including those well-dressed ladies at lunch. Don't you think everyone is looking over their shoulders at the one more beautiful, richer, successful, etc.? I think its part of human nature. Of course, our culture intensifies things because our consumer society wants everyone to feel insecure so we buy products to solve everything.

There may be a certain Southern "look," but women are always out to impress each other in NY, Boston, or Los Angeles.

I don't think you can stop yourself from feeling insecure at times. Hell, I'm feeling insecure right now writing on the blog of someone who I think is probably more intelligent and sensitive than I am, having read a few of your posts. But I try to laugh it off, hoping you'll accept me for being me.

[Katherine]

I know what you mean! Even though you can feel happy with who you are, you know you've got a great bloke who loves you no matter what you look like, go somewhere where there are women dressed better than you (or who you think are dressed better than you) and you immediately start to feel insecure and that they're judging you.

I used to feel a lot like that in Leeds as there were loads of trendy overstyled people. Edinburgh is full of loads of different people, many scruffy students and travellers and I rarely feel insecure about how I'm dressed.

Don't worry, you're only human!

[Jo Ann]

I have dealt with a lot of the sames issues over the years, and guess what, as you get older, you learn not to give a f**k. That is definitely one advantage of aging. You are a beautiful girl who does not need to be what you are not to please anyone. And remember, Allan loves you just the way you are. After that no one else matters.

[Karan]

The women in Kentucky dress like that to go to the Atomic Cafe? Isn't that like a a half step up from a hamburger place? You need to move to Olympia where the only place you see women dressed like that are in Seattle, maybe.

[Elle]

I find it easier to rock the casbah when I'm toting one of my (admittedly) status bags. I worked hard and saved up the money to buy them, and perhaps that imbues me with a tangible level of confidence when I have one of my talismans with me. Maybe what attracted your attention was the way they carried themselves?

[misschrisc]

Laisse-moi tranqille, je suis bien dans mes baskets! ...tee-hee sorry I couldn't resist ;)

I think this is all about transitioning and adjusting to a new culture. You may as well have moved to Zimbabwe because I doubt you're going to blend in for a long while. More importantly do you really want to?That's the real question.

[anica]

Hey Alison,

When a guys is willing to visit a beautiful girl in France and supports her actions and values: HE IS SO INTO YOU. Regardless of culture changes or not.

You certainly don't have to worry at all.

[cassie-b]

You bet it's a step forward.

Kudos!

[Margaret]

Karan is right; the Pac NW is very casual.As I get older, I find myself caring less and less about things. Maybe that's a bad thing!

[ms. sizzle]

i find myself falling into that trap- of putting too much pressure on myself to look "put together" when i leave the house and definitely judging myself when i compare myself to other more seemingly stylish women.

it is such a waste of energy. i know this and yet, have no idea how to untrain my brain.

great post.

:)sizzle

[Denise]

I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel as though my life is high school all over again. Which, as you know Alison, is truly shudder-inducing. I encounter these Popular Girl bitches all the time. I've really got no advice on how to deal with them---I'm just glad that other people, including my friends here and now you too, feel the same way.

Down with the Popular People!!! :)

[Randy from RP]

Sorry Alison I'm with Aalln on this one... You are nuts...All those women should feel intimidated by you because you are beautiful without all the bruhaha... You go lady!

[Catheroo]

I do the same thing, Ali. Even when I think I'm looking super hot, if I see someone more put together than I am, hello, insecurity. Why should how they look have anything to do with how I feel about myself? But I constantly compare myself to them.

This isn't a very insightful or helpful comment, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

And hey, how about the idea that someone looks at *you* and their self-esteem drops a little? Like "Wow, I wish I could look as pretty as she does with no makeup." Or, "I should have worn my comfy and cool yoga pants instead of sqeezing myself into these $150 jeans. If I eat too much, I'll bust a seam."

[Melissa]

I agree that's it is probabley just an adjustment to a different culture. I can't say anything about those women, because I used to be and still "kinda" am, those girls. I don't go out of the house without makeup. But rest assured, I don't do it for anyone but me.

I think we all have to get comfortable in our skin.

[madame l.]

i am wearing an aqua bikini and white pleather platforms as i write this comment. and my pharmacie reading glasses. you're in ky for godsakes. put on a figure skating outfit next time you go out for salmon. and a confederate flag bandanna...

[barb]

wow, what a variety of responses! how interesting, Ali! Do you feel you have greater insight into all of us now? lol...

Is this a post about insecurity? Or is it a post about appearances being a matter of taste? Is it a post about style, and how some people (women and men) seem to naturally have and others don't? Is it a post about culture and geography and how what "looks good" or is "socially acceptable" varies according to place? Is it a post about competition and how our society sets women up against each other and how this is intrusive, annoying and irrational, especially to those of us who are aware of such things but no less vulnerable to it?

what a great post that you can elicit all these sorts of responses from us!

[sallyrogers]

I remember having to wait a long time for a table in an upper middle class restaurant. I sat there watching the other people and realized that their primary vocation seemed to be looking good. People got seated before we did who arrived after we did and we finally left. I assumed, we assumed, that it was because we didn't pass the eye-test. Overweight... not fashion-sensible. I think and I hope that it was all in our heads. I wonder, though. We are a vain society.

Great post and touches on something deep within human nature.

[melanie]

I think it comes down to the fact that most women don't dress up for men; they dress up for other women. And when we're out, not looking our best and knowing it, and we encounter women who at least made an effort, we feel very keenly that we are somehow not doing are part. Like we're going to get kicked out of the club if we keep acting like this.

[Thomas]

Putting on my amateur Psychologist hat:

You have returned to your "home" after an extended absence. You want to fit in, sure, but you also was people to more than see you in the crowd: You want people to know that you are the crowd. The ringleader of fun, so to speak, or at least one of the opening acts. Perhaps you see these "put-together" people as the ones in the places you want to be. Perhaps you see them as "above you" or even where you were before you left/where you would have been had you stayed.

You, though, define a new path. You have been about and found your center. You don;t need to compete: You've already won.

[Carrie]

HOLY CRAP there's a lot of people commenting on this! lol

I suppose anything I might have to add is pointless by now. Much of what's been said I echo. As for makeup and being "put together", Alison you are beautiful without that stuff. Honest. If I hadn't had an older sister soooo into makeup I never would have known how to work the stuff probably. I have always worn it, and done my hair, during school and working years. That's because I was not blessed with hair that looks normal naturally and my skin is/was affected by my disorder. Lots of red dots.

Nowadays, I am so sick most of the time, I barely manage and even then, I just don't care. So I rarely look put together. Be glad you're lucky enough to not have to do that stuff :) You've got great hair (naturally) and great skin (naturally). So you're wayyyyy ahead of those of us who need help ;)

[Zoubida]

Funny... I'm the "stylish bob hairdo - perfectly applied make-up - parisian chic outfits - brillianlty not matching yet go together so darn well shoes and handbag - perfumed to suit the occasion" kind of woman. And when I see someone like you Ali in some public place, I can't help but think "wow, I'd love do have just a portion of her confidence and be able to look that good in yoga pants".
I always thought my definite tendency to the "groomed from head to toes" was a result of my insecurity about my natural look.

[Zoubida]

I have to tell you this story of mine...
At the first annual family reunion I attended on my husband's side, I took a particular care of my appearance. It was also my very first year in Canada. Designer's black yet frivoulous looking dress, Sonia Rykiel high-heels, professionnally done hair... Heck I even dressed my baby son in Parisian Baby fashion style. I had never met anybody from Éric's family, except for his parents, before that event. Everyone was looking forward to meet the new exotic french Éric had married.
When Éric parked the car in front of the school gymnasium rented to accomodate this party of 80 people (yes, huge family) I began to feel a bit may be overdressed. And when I entered the party, a 15 second silence occured suddenly. I never felt so "out of place" and embarrased about how I looked than then. They were all very casually dressed. Comfortable, simple, everyday outfits. Kids were almost all in jammies (more practical at an evening gathering). As bhd said, I was not just intimidated. I was flabbergasted !
We've been married 11 years now. People in Éric's family still talk/joke about that famous party and my entry...
Insecurity, insecurity...

[Sunybuny]

Ali,
As some others have said - if you think KY in spring is bad - try THE REAL SOUTH - especially FLA. No real humidity (really - no kidding)to mess up the hair, manicurists and pedicurists on every street corner and clothes shopping is close to an obsession (not moi). Almost makes a fluffy, fluffy bunny want to get a gym membership (almost - but not actually DO IT - lol)